This statement is proving to be true everyday. A lot of parents have deep down buried hurt from their childhoods, relationships and many other sources. This hurt is being passed on to their children and sadly the cycle just keeps going. But I am determined to make it stop.
Let me tell you about this past Wednesday. As many of you may know I had surgery. My family came down to be in attendance while I went through the procedure. This included my mother, grandmother, Aunt and Uncle. After I got done we came back to my apartment and sat for a while, they mainly were there to watch my stability and make sure I would be well before they left. Or at least we thought that was the purpose.
We began making small talk and my uncle (who is the greatest man to me besides God and Jesus) started ministering to my mother about how intelligent she is and was letting her know possibilities are endless for her. Then God did something I never expected, He had me to tell her (I talk positively to her all the time) how I knew that she could do whatever she wanted in life and how I wanted to see her achieve goals and dreams. Now me and my mom have these types of talks regularly but for some reason God had me to cry and show her I meant what I said. Then I started crying and she was crying, God was opening a few doors in that moment.
I was telling her how we (our immediate family), needed to sit and talk. We needed to air it out so we can move forward and LIVE! I began talking about my father and how it was time for us to mend our relationship also. Now I have told my mom and uncle (a different uncle) that they needed to talk to their mother about what they feel towards her. I have told both of them this many times. I said that again while we sat in my living room and the explosion happened. My nana began asking me, “What have I done to you?” I tried to avoid the question because I knew the timing wasn’t right. But my aunt said she was asking so let her know.
I tried to tell her but since the timing was off and my emotions (plus I was still heavily medicated) were everywhere nothing came out the way I wanted. But it was still a positive moment from it. My mom started opening up and telling her of all the hurt they had endured as children. She began to pour out how much she wanted love from her mother but it was never given. Then my nana started opening up about her hurts. And that’s when I realized something that I had said for years was really true, “Hurt Parents Produce Hurt Children and Until We Speak Up the Cycle Will Never Be Broken.” I had started telling my mom this around 08, to better explain to her about why their and our relationship has always been strained.
So all these years I had hurt growing up and was constantly asking God why me? Why He chose me for them? Why were so many horrible things happening to me while I was a child? But in that instant I saw that the reason my grandma couldn’t raise her kids properly is because she was hurting. My mother couldn’t raise me properly because she was hurting. My uncle (the awesome one always will get a capital U for clarification purposes) never raised his daughter properly because of his hurt. And if I had children they wouldn’t be raised properly because of mines but IT STOPS HERE!!
I am asking God for healing. I have tweeted that a lot and people felt I meant my foot but I meant healing for my family unit. I am believing that God will restore what’s broken and mend it back together. So to sum this up, if you have strained relationships with your parents, ask yourself, what could have possibly went wrong before you? Even before Wed. I knew my folks were hurting before I came here (on this earth) and that we needed to talk. But God decided to confirm it for me.
Some of our mothers are dealing with hurt from our fathers. They still may deal with the fact that they did it on their own. They may still deal with the fact that he left or never helped out. She could be hurting because she never had her father in her life. Your father could be dealing with the fact that he never had a male role model in the house. Or maybe he has some past pain and never settled it. So therefore, he can’t possibly love you because he hasn’t quite figured out how to.
I am not making excuses for our parents because they don’t need them. I want people to be more aware of the fact that, more than the child hurts in these situations. Sometimes your parents might have felt they did all they could to raise you and show you love.
This is the year to mend relationships. Lets stop pointing fingers at our parents all the time about what they didn’t do and sit them down and ask them what happened before you. You will be shocked, at how some of your parents will open. Me and my mom started talking around 08 and me letting her know I was hurting and her answering questions honestly have helped us.
So one day this year, I want you to talk to your family about whatever is or has bothered you. Get to the root of the problem so that you may live and be whole. Because me personally I want to be whole and free. I want happiness and love when we come around each other. I want to get excited every time I see their numbers pop up on the phone. Lets end these cycles NOW. Do NOT let another year go by where you may not be talking to a parent or have unsettled feelings towards them. You only get one pair and they can never be replaced. You don’t want it to be too late and never get to say what’s on your chest.
I am gonna end this here but remember before you write your parents off, “Hurt Parents Produce Hurt Children and Until We Speak Up The Cycle Will Never Be Broken.”
P.S. It never hurts to tell your parents that you are proud when they do something. I remember when my grandma started working again last year I told her that. She was in shock because she never expected to hear that from someone. Let them know when they do good more than letting them know when they do bad. My aunt always would tell me that I was the one with the wisdom in my immediate family. After reading this post for myself I realized that our roles as mother and daughter have always been reversed. But that’s neither here nor there.
Also if they don’t receive what you say, know that you did your part. Know that you said all you had to say to them and ask God to help you recover and move on. If you don’t want to talk in person, write them a letter or email. Make a video but do it now. Sorry this was long but I needed to get this out.