The Blended Family


 

I don’t know if you guys saw the Smith Family on Oprah this past month but it was really a good episode. I know I am uber late because maybe if I had posted earlier you could have seen the video for it. Any who I’ll try to give you a little review before I get into my post.

The entire family was there. Jada and Will discussed marriage, family and the kids. They discussed how they keep their marriage spicy and how they discipline their children. The kids did their thing and spoke on what they were doing. Yada yada yada. I think it was only thirty minutes long. One thing ALWAYS sticks out to me when they are on Oprah. Trey’s mom (Will ex-wife and his oldest son) is always with them.

I remember years ago they were on the show and she sat in the audience (now y’all know Jada ain’t letting her sit on the couch) and they explained the way their family worked. Jada explained how both of them had to put their egos aside and become friends for Trey. She told Oprah how they would have family dinners and Sheree (the ex) would be in attendance. She explained how they had to build a relationship with each other and include her on everything concerning Trey because that was the only way it would work. They felt it was more about him than it was about their own personal issues.

Same with this last visit. Each time Sheree gives her two cents and she basically says the same thing. She never speaks too long but I feel that it’s a genuine friendship and RESPECT between these two. Which brings me to the point of this post. When you get married to someone who already has a ready-made family, you have to be ready for everything that is gonna come with it.

I had the Lunatic step-mom/biological mom situation. So I witnessed first hand how STUPID women can be when they aren’t ready for this responsibility. When you decide to marry someone who has this “baggage” realize that you take on EVERYTHING about that person. You aren’t just marrying him/her but you marry the kids, the family and THE EX. I think so many men/women get into these relationships un-prepared and un-aware of the responsibility they are gonna have to take on.

No one is sitting down and talking to each other before hand. Instead the other person gets married, then the child and ex meet the new family and ish hits the fan. By then it’s too late because emotions are high. If the relationship is anything like the nuts I have dealt with, the man is lying about the other woman; going back and forth being messy. SMH So there is almost no room for a friendship or at least some type of relationship to get them through.

For me I was dealing with nut cases (literally) and regardless of what they thought, their relationships played a HUGE part in my upbringing. So I know other kids get affected by it also. The situation can be harmful to a child. So before you run off and marry someone with kids or you already have your own set, make sure you are prepared for everything. Make sure you both sit down and talk with each other about it. MAKE SURE YOU TAKE THE TIME TO EXPLAIN TO THE CHILDREN THE CHANGES THAT ARE HAPPENING. You aren’t just marrying that one person but everybody and everything that comes with them.

You better make sure you ready for jealousy on both ends also. If you think the ex is jealous, chile believe when I say the current might be more jealous of the ex and the child. *shrugs* I am being so serious. So many have this situation where the new wife is jealous of the child. (not saying that was my situation. *rolls eyes*.) Where she is struggling to get past the point of not being first or having his first child. Then she be saying all kinds of ignorant ish. SMH it happens. Don’t think she is not talking slick to your kids because she is. LOL she is.

Be ready for the arguments and fights. The eye rolling and name calling. All that good ni**atry. Seriously tho, try to build friendships with each other. In the beginning it may seem stupid but you will see how well it works in the end. Even though she may be the ex, include her on decisions you may make with each other about the child. Especially when the child may live with the dad and step idiot mom I meant mom. SMH (The devil be in my fingers sometimes. Get thee behind me Satan. LOL.)

What I am saying is MAKE IT WORK! You may not get were the Smiths are but never let the child see the tension or the insecurities. It can work trust me. IF you work at it. I know the Smiths didn’t get there over night but they eventually did. Now they are able to be around each other (from what we see) and not bicker or make faces at each other showing their disgust.

I would never want to be a step-mom. If I have to I will do all I can to make sure that me and her sit down prior to the nuptials. Because if not, my marriage will be stressed, I will be stressed and most important the child will be stressed and Je’Tara don’t want no kids having f’d up lives because of me. Because it’s all about them in the end anyway. So take caution before you jump into it and you will be fine. Because most of the ex’s would have no problem with the new woman if she came in correctly.

MUAH

Oh yeah I was trying to find pictures of Jada and Sheree and couldn’t but I found this!

Sheree got married in 07 and the little girl on the right is Will and Jada’s daughter Willow. Jaden and Trey were in the wedding also. Like I said you may not get this far but this proves that it’s possible for families to blend and do it beautifully with so much class and elegance. They are my favorite family. I swear!

GO HERE for the rest of the wedding pics!

This isn’t all about my situation. I have seen enough “blended families” to write this. Trust you can tell when I am talking about me. LOL I know my dad and uncle read this. It’s all love.

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “The Blended Family

  1. I used to talk to a man who lied about his ex-wife AND about having a nearly GROWN son although he was quick to claim a younger daughter. It ended quickly because, if you lie about THAT…what else will you lie about? Didn’t have time. I wasn’t crazy about him having children, but I embraced it because I thought I liked him. Sister Cookie, I was wrong. Can’t get with liars. Liars fail. LOL.

    Openness and honesty is so important in relationships. That’s any relationship. Friendship, employee/employer, parents, children, siblings, etc.

    Great post!

  2. Great post… loved the “personal” interjection, though after being in both situations (a step-child and now a step-parent) I have to say ever situation IS different. You can have good blends and bad blends.

    My sis & I had fathers that were not in the picture (at all, but that’s a different posting) and so my step-father (kinda) had it easy in that regard. I think my mother tried to do it the right way. Talking to us, spending time with us and him so that we could get used to him being around, etc. But after years of everything going right, maybe because of teen angst, or maybe just general disagreements, he and I started to have our issues. But luckily, in the end, I grew up, smartened up and realized my FATHER (yeah, I only recognize my “step” dad as my father because my biological was NEVER more than a sperm donor) only wanted and pushed for what was best for my sister and I. He was an amazing man, and taught me to be the man I am today!

    Now fast-forward to 6 months after my father passed away, I started dating my wife, fully understanding the package I was inheriting there (4 kids, an ex-husband, in-laws from both sides, etc). But, outside of a couple incidents and one wayward kid, I think we have fared pretty well. One hundred percent of things may have not been as clear for EVERYONE from the start, but I think we did due diligence with our children, families and all concerned parties to prep them.

    I think, like you said, it starts with building relationships and understanding BEFORE the nuptials. You definitely don’t want to jump into these situations without discussions, arrangements, etc. Its just essential to keeping down confusion and frustration. But also, not everyone will be totally honest about their feelings, and when the bride & groom are ready, everyone else should be voicing their opinion up front and not hiding things. BUT that is hard for children, and sometimes they don’t either feel like their opinion matters or they may feel unsure of what to do, so that is hard to plan for. Believe me, after being on both sides of the fence, I have lots of experience with that part. And NO AMOUNT of parent reassurance to the kid that their opinion and feelings are NUMBER ONE in the situation, will come across to ALL of the children. Shoot, it may not even come across to ALL of the adults in the situation!

    So I think that the Smith’s are very lucky that everyone came to a common grounds, and at least appear to have worked things out quite nicely. Some people may believe it or not, but blended families can work. Some people can set their differences aside for the benefit of others. And hey, they can even find new friends in the course of it all!

  3. Great post Jetara. It goes the other way as well for stepmonsters…I mean stepfathers (I meant monsters). But some men or women don’t even have to deal with the ex, they just can’t deal with not being number one in their relationship. Unfortunately, children are too often hurt when this occurs because the step whatever may be the only mother/father they have and all they receive from them is negativity. Ppl, get your shit together. Think of them before you.

  4. Well written Je’ … I’ve admire how they do what they do forever. I’ve had one or two great relationships where we were unable to come together because of the ex(s) and the kid(s) jealousy, envy & time together. I would like to think that men / women dating each other when they both have kids would be ideal, who better to understand than another parent. Folk be faux playing house though. Your points are dead on: Friends & build relationships first.

    Word.

  5. I don’t like to limit myself and miss out on love because a man has a child, but like you said, I need to really think about ALL that comes with it. I’d like to think I have, but you never know once you’re in the actual situation. You can only imagine.

    I did get to know a man who had a child, it wouldn’t have been to much of a problem because the mother was hardly involved with the child. If he and I had become more serious, serious enough for marriage, the bio mom would be thousands of miles away, so we’d be somewhat okay.

    My mother hated the idea though, she just doesn’t want me to have to go through the whole stepmother situation. I think it depends on the man and if he’s willing to put his foot down and say this isn’t going to happen, you will respect my wife and wife you will respect the mother of my child. I’m all about children, so I’d never let it get to a point where it affects children.

    Great posts JeTara!

  6. Pingback: The Blended Family — theFreshXpress.com — The PULSE of Young Black America

  7. Lovely post. I’ve been thinking about this for when God places someone in my life and incase he has a child…I saw how it was with my mom and her husband. My ma has me and my 2 brothers and her husband has 2 kids. There was so much tension, and I still deal with trying to show respect to her husband to this day.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s